how do I support someone after pregnancy or infant loss?

Losing a pregnancy or an infant is an unimaginably painful experience. If someone close to you is grieving this loss, offering your support can feel challenging, especially when the right words or actions aren’t always clear. It’s important to approach the situation with compassion and sensitivity. Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you navigate how to assist someone through such a difficult time.

Do

Acknowledge the Loss: It’s important to acknowledge the grief, whether or not the person wants to talk. A simple "I'm so sorry for your loss" can show that you’re thinking of them, and you care. It’s a reminder that their pain is seen.

Listen More Than You Speak: Be present and listen without judgment. Sometimes, people just need to express their feelings, and offering a safe, open space for them to do so can be one of the most comforting things you can do.

Offer Practical Help: Grieving can leave someone feeling physically and emotionally exhausted. Offer specific help, like preparing meals, running errands, or caring for other children they may have. Your assistance can be a huge relief during an overwhelming time.

Check in Regularly: Grief doesn’t have an expiration date, and it may persist long after others stop talking about the loss. Regularly checking in, even with a brief message or call, shows you’re there for them in the long term.

Respect Their Boundaries: Understand that everyone grieves differently. Some may want to be alone, while others may want company. Always respect their need for space or closeness, depending on what they express.

Don’t

Don’t Minimize Their Grief: Avoid saying things like “It was meant to be” or “At least you can try again.” While these comments may come from a place of comfort, they can unintentionally invalidate the person's grief. Every loss is unique, and it’s important to honor their feelings.

Don’t Pressure for Details: While it may be natural to want to understand the full scope of the situation, don’t pressure the person to share details of their experience if they’re not ready. Let them lead the conversation if they choose to talk about it.

Don’t Compare Grief: Every person’s grief is personal and individual. Avoid comparing their loss to other losses, even if they’re similar. Statements like “I know exactly how you feel” can make someone feel isolated, as their experience may be unique.

Don’t Avoid the Topic: While it might feel awkward, avoiding the topic entirely can be hurtful. The person may feel that their loss is being ignored or minimized. A simple acknowledgment lets them know that they can talk about it if they wish.

Don’t Offer Unsolicited Advice: While it’s natural to want to help, avoid offering solutions unless they ask for advice. Grief doesn’t need to be "fixed"—sometimes, simply being there for them is enough.

Supporting someone who has experienced pregnancy or infant loss can be emotionally challenging. But your presence, understanding, and respect can provide much-needed comfort. By acknowledging their grief, offering practical help, and respecting their emotional space, you can play a crucial role in their healing journey.