Navigating the Holidays after Infant or Pregnancy Loss
You lost your baby. And now you have to face the holidays, full of joy and traditions, with a gaping hole in your heart. How can you honor social commitments, do endless shopping, help your living children get ready for Santa or travel to see family when you just want to crawl into bed for weeks?
Navigating the holiday season while grieving can often be very complex and exhausting. There is almost no other time when self-care and setting boundaries are more important. For you, your partner and your living children. This is your family’s very personal loss and only you can decide how you want to celebrate (or not) and honor the child(ren) that should have been a part of the festivities.
The following are some helpful guidelines that can help you on your journey through this bittersweet time of the year. And don’t forget…you can always just “opt out” if it’s all just too much. SKIP TO THIS BLOG (“opting Out” of the Holidays)
Set reasonable expectations
You are in charge of what is going to be too much for you and your family. Choose what works for you.
Allow yourself some grace. You are doing your best. You probably won’t have perfect, joyful holidays for a long while. It's okay if things are different, bittersweet or even a fail.
Talk to your children about the holiday plan to better understand their expectations and make sure their needs are met, especially if you are making changes to usual traditions.
Simplify. The direct pathway to emotional and physical stress is over committing and planning. This can lead to guilt and regret when you can’t get it all done or simply fall apart.
Have an exit strategy: If attending an event feels too overwhelming, have a plan to leave gracefully. Or just don’t go. You can always tell people you will attend if you are feeling up to it. This leaves an opening to decline without offense.
Honoring your lost child
Make them a part of traditions. Create new rituals or adapt old ones. You can hang a stocking for them or make a special ornament in their memory.
Create a memorial spot in the home. Include a special item or photo that represents them in visible way along with items people may have gifted you in remembrance of them. Do what feels right for your family.
Support yourself and your family
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you need help with tasks like preparing meals, shopping, or decorating, ask friends and family for assistance. You are not “bothering them.” They may just need your input on how they can make things easier for you.
Connect with a support group, a therapist/psychologist, or friends and family who can provide perspective and guidance.
Allow time for rest and simple fun. You need to get your rest and just doing something fun like a family holiday movie night or going for a drive to see Christmas lights may help make some memories without the need to get out of your comfy clothes or make an appearance anywhere.
Create a manageable environment
Some holiday activities may be too painful. It is ok to just skip them. Switch to online shopping or pass on those parties that will have a lot of young children or babies in attendance.
Be clear with yourself and others about your boundaries. Your priority should be to protect the emotional and physical needs of yourself and your family.
The busy holiday season is difficult and stressful enough without the added element of grief and loss thrown in. We can often feel guilt and remorse for not “doing it all.” Rest assured, your family and friends love you, grieve with you and will understand and support how you decide to get through this season without your child(ren). And as for those that don’t respect your plans or boundaries…they are not the humans that you need in your corner right now.
We at Piper’s Purpose are hoping that you have a peaceful and gentle holiday season full of love, remembrance and tranquility.
