“Opting Out” of the Holidays…
(journal pictured above by Megan Devine, this may be a good companion for you - check it out!)
Yes! It is ok to just not participate in the parties, the shopping, the cooking and the travel. It’s so important that you make your mental and physical health a priority during this time of grief and loss, that the holiday plans may just have to be drastically reduced or shelved all together.
Thankfully, we are seeing great strides in the reduction of the stigma of addressing mental health needs. People are far more aware and understanding of respecting the boundaries, feelings and emotional limitations of others.
The following are some guidelines on gracefully “opting out” of the holidays this year:
Understand that this decision may hurt the feelings of family and friends. But remember that you are choosing to protect your own feelings and mental health and make yourself a priority. They will eventually understand.
Make a plan A and B. Or even a plan C. Prioritize what you are willing to commit to and what is a hard no. Having a hashed-out plan ahead of time will make things a lot less stressful later and can be shared with loved ones. Do not feel guilty if you have to scrap all of the plans.
Be clear about your plan to opt-out, especially if it’s yearly expectation. It’s up to you if you’d like to explain why. Be clear so there is no last-minute confusion.
Be specific about what you are committing to. For instance, you are doing a pop in at the family gathering, so no one should expect you to participate in dining, gift-giving or other celebratory activities. It may help to put a specific time stamp on it. “I will be staying for no longer than an hour.”
Come up with alternative ways to connect over this season without all of the expected traditions that make it even more obvious that your child(ren) will never get to experience them.
Plan on only doing the things that matter most to you and your family and keep it very simple. Your living children may disappointed about cancelling the usual plans to go skiing or ice skating but will be much worse off if you burn out or become mentally/physically unstable.
Enlist helpers. Ask family and friends to take over roles such as getting ready for Santa, stuffing stockings and preparing food.
Essentially, it’s all up to you. Only you can decide what you are willing to give of yourself this season. Just know that putting your mental and physical health first is not selfish. It is supporting your family by helping you return to a peaceful, loving and energetic state after experiencing a devastating loss. Those friends and family that are walking the healing path with you will understand and support you along the way during this bittersweet time of year.
Take care of yourself, your family and embrace your power to say “No, thank you.”
With Love,
Holly
